It Takes Time to Heal...

How Isle wishes this person has the heart to listen to what her soul says... "Please stop torturing me..." It's painful... She's trying to recover, but the old wound is still keep refreshing. She wants to get healed. She wants to be well... She wants to be ok...

The story of Isle's life from the past relationship isn't finished yet. And she doesn't know if when will it be finished. Perhaps, not yet--even after she's married. But she will end the love story once she's moved to the other world. Just be patient for those who keep on waiting for this story to end, because the pain is still there and it almost makes her insane thinking of the past. Many things around her reminds her of the past.

She's not really weak if you know her a lot. She's known to be the bravest and has the strongest personality in the family. She's usually a happy person--a funny girl who always keep on smilin' and telling a joke. She got many painful experiences in life more than anyone could ever imagine, yet, she survived. But the past relationship terribly affected her life which ruined her whole world... Why? Because she put her eggs in one basket.

It takes time for her to heal... she just keeps on trying to take all the pains... she keeps on standing up whenever she falls... and she hopes, that sooner or later, the nightmare will soon be finished...

Rainbow in the Night...

(Based on a true to life story of a Filipina who met her Caucasian partner from a dating site)

PART I

“Baby, you said you never wanted to see me get hurt…
So, did you close your eyes when you made me cry…?”

This girl keeps uttering these words all over again and again as if she’s talking to the man who hurt her precious heart. Her tears keep falling all the time as she closes the book of her life from the past…

Let us call this Filipina girl as Isle and the Caucasian man as Santa Claus and the new man as G.

Her love story began in 2005 until 2008. Kind of long, so I advise you dear readers to get your popcorn and handkerchief as you read her story in order to get ready.

It was 2003 when she started joining dating sites to find her prince charming. She was still at the end of the year of her college back then. But since high school, she keeps praying to God to send her a white foreign man who is God fearing, loving, understanding, even not so handsome (but of course, for her, physical appearance is a big plus!), even if not rich as long as he can provide his own family’s needs, and who will be her lifetime partner through thick and thin.

She got responses, but she always gets frustrated why the heck it seems people on the net were not really serious in finding their lifetime partner. She thought, maybe she’s still young at her age of 22, but she kept hoping that she could find the right one.

Isle finally graduated in college and worked with different companies, but got inactive in searching for couple of years. Until 2005 while she’s working in an International Manpower Services as a general secretary, she created another account in a Filipino dating site. This time she got lots of hits. She’s 24 year old by then and she thinks she’s matured enough, plus, her interesting introduction and photogenic pictures were eye catching. But of course, she’s been very careful in searching for her lifetime partner. Back then, she didn’t have internet at home and renting internet outside is kind of expensive for her as she is economizing because she’s the bread winner of the family, so, in order to check her dating accounts, she’s always sneaking to the General Manager’s office to use his internet while he’s gone!

July 2005, Isle received a message from one man who doesn’t have picture on his profile, but this man got her interested because he sounds like a happy and gentleman. When she saw his picture, she thinks he’s very cute though he’s a lot older than her. He looks like Santa Claus with his white beard and mustache, big belly, and also by having a smiley face and eyes. They did have good communications through emails and phone calls. After few months, they met at the lobby of Heritage Hotel and knew each other by exchanging conversations about each other’s lives. They got along very well together.

One day, Isle and her office mates were invited to go to a small province of one of her office mates. Santa Claus went with them. Then one morning, in the forest where everyone was having fun looking at the surroundings and cooking foods for their lunch, these two had a serious talk. How could Santa Claus broke Isle’s heart when he mentioned that he’s not really looking for a wife or somebody to get married with. This event made Isle think that it’s just fine and that she will survive. It’s alright if he just wants friendship.

Few months had passed. Due to some unavoidable matters at Isle’s work, she quit her job though her boss wanted to raise her salary. Because she resigned, she stayed with her family everyday and get irritated until the time had come that she cannot take the pressure and troubles anymore inside that family house.

To her craziness, she stowed away to Thailand without anyone knowing that she’s leaving the country. She just called her mom when she’s about to board the plane. This incident broke her father’s heart for the very first time which made him cry. She stayed in Thailand for almost a month but it was tough for her to live there because Thai people hardly understand nor speak English language. Until one time, she was able to go to an internet café and emailed her family and Santa Claus about her situation.

Santa Claus cried over the phone while he’s on the other part of the world driving for how many nights with his friend. He was so hurt for what Isle did and he said he will help Isle if she asked for help. Then Santa Claus finally said he loves Isle and that he wants her back to the Philippines. So Isle came back which made Santa Claus so happy as he approached Isle at the airport giving her a very tight hug and kiss. Then when they entered the van that Santa Claus rented, he surprised Isle with the wine he bought which coldness has been preserved with the cooler he brought; and they tossed for Isle’s arrival. He said he wanted to buy flowers for her but there was heavy traffic and he didn’t want to be late.

Few months later, Isle thought that everything’s gonna be fine between them. Until one day while they’re alone, Santa Claus revealed a very big lie he’s keeping from Isle...

PART 2

The Big Lie

Isle's world began to ruined as Santa revealed his big secret --- Santa is still married and not really widowed like what he put on his profile when he met Isle on the internet and what he’s saying that his wife died together with her daughter 8 years ago. Isle’s heart stopped. No voice came out from her lips. She was just staring at the ceiling while lying down in bed at her back. She hears nothing. Her eyes were blurry. Tears began to fall… Then she closed her eyes. She saw herself in a dark place alone---seeking out for even a little light. She found nothing but darkness. She didn’t want to breathe at all. She’s totally devastated because she already loves the man deeply since they’ve been through separation before. Then she came back into reality. She asked Santa Claus while her tears were flooding on her face, asking, “Why didn’t you tell me earlier..? Why you lied to me…?” But Santa Claus only said, “I was thinking to tell you this at the right time.” My relationship with my wife has been like a hell for more or less 9 years now since her daughter died due to vehicular accident when I bought her a car. There’s no intimacy anymore. I tried to win it back, but didn’t work. She wants a divorce. We will get divorce.”

Isle tried to make herself believed that everything will be fine. She believed. She hoped.

They continued their relationship. They fell in loved with each other deeply. It’s not difficult to love Isle because she’s so very sweet, loving and very caring. She pampers her man with foot spa, massage, manicure, pedicure, and gives him bath. In short, she treated her man like a king. She’s definitely a prisoner of love. It’s not hard to love Santa Claus either, because he takes care of Isle too and talks of her highly to anyone. He’s very caring and understanding—things that blinded Isle. For Isle, she has found a shining armor who is also her best friend that understands her all the time. She gave all of her to this man as well as her whole trust which is very difficult for her to do—trusting a person.

They built a small business together where Isle’s staying in. Till one day Santa Claus asked to stay to the place where Isle stays at. Isle refused because for her, living in without any marriage in the Philippines is shameful. But Santa Claus insisted. Isle can do nothing when he already arrived in front of the door. Though Isle has lots of worries in her mind, she’s happy because she loves that man so very much. She gave all that she can give. They have been both happy. They can even do things that only few couple can do, like sharing their toothbrush, giving bath to each other, cooking for each other, and so on.

PART 3
Too Much Pains . . .

A year had passed. It was around September 2007 when Santa Claus said that he wants a prenuptial agreement with Isle before they get married. Isle didn’t really have any idea about it until Santa Claus explained to her that the properties they have before marriage will remain as theirs, Santa’s is for Santa and Isle’s is for Isle. This made Isle wonder if this man really wants to get married and have a partner in life. For her, marriage is sharing everything. As in everything -- whether it is sorrow or happiness. There should be no division between them in order to have a very solid relationship. But for Isle, prenuptial agreement is a division between them. This prenuptial agreement issue hurt her more when Santa said that there will be no marriage if no prenuptial agreement signing. Once again, this man broke this girl’s precious heart.

Until one day, while he’s in Palau together with his wife having a picnic where there’s lake, his wife ran towards the muddy part of the lake where there were insects sucked her feet’s blood and made those swell. Santa ran towards her and pulled her to the shore. She wanted to hurt herself. She wanted to vanish. Then the woman finally said that she never really wanted to divorce. Due to this situation, it made Santa puzzled. She told Santa to leave and forget Isle. So, it was in December when Santa emailed Isle to just continue joining the dating sites and find the right man for her. This is an additional pain for Isle, of course. She’s almost numb already. She’s like being tortured with a hammer whose fingers are already broken but she’s just taking the pain, but eventually, it almost hurts no more because they’re already numb because of hitting those fingers again and again.

Though Santa wrote Isle some negative stuff, he still keeps sending her text messages, emails and calling her phone though he’s with his family in order to let Isle know that he loves her so much. He said he’s just happy when he’s with Isle and that he cries a lot when he’s far from her. Since Santa still loves his wife, he tried to make her feel good and be at her side and support her. And again, another suicidal attempt of Santa’s wife occurred while they’re in Guam. Because she always sees Santa emailing and calling Isle, she stood on top of the billiard table and hanged herself on the ceiling in front of Santa. So Santa grabbed her and untied her.

Isle began to hate and blame herself why she continued loving this man. She should’ve ended up everything between them earlier. But she just can’t stop her heart from pushing her to Santa Claus. Due to this circumstance plus business problems, it made Isle’s body and mind weak. She got sick. She became skinnier. Until one day she was hit with anxiety attack where her body got numb and her breathing went bad. She was brought to the hospital twice while Santa Claus was at his wife’s place in Palau. While in the ambulance, Isle told her brother to inform Santa Claus by calling him on the phone. That was almost 1 a.m. in Santa Claus’ place. But it was as if he was not alarmed for what’s happening to Isle. Isle told him about that when she went back to her place, and he said that he thought it was just Isle’s sister who was hospitalized. Isle, did not consider this as a big deal. And because she doesn’t want to lose Santa as her love and happiness, she just agreed to sign a prenuptial agreement in the future.

With her stupid heart, she kept loving this man. Understood him. Believed him though she’s hurt knowing that the divorce papers has not filed yet and that he keeps going back to his family and sleeps with them. It hurts her a hell a lot most especially during the special occasions like Christmas and their birthdays which she just celebrates alone because Santa was with his family. She’s still determined though to fight for her love because Santa is also saying that he wants Isle in his life. But Isle made herself ready if ever Santa will give up. She can quit if Santa only said that he doesn’t want Isle anymore in his life.

It’s darn painful though for her to realize that what is happening is adultery because Santa is not yet divorced. She wants to fight for her feelings. She’s finding ways to decrease her love for Santa. But Santa keeps telling her that he loves her and let her feel that she’s totally loved by him. But Isle is just suffering so much that she joined dating sites to make Santa Claus realize that he will be sorry for what he’s going to lose, and so that he will work on the papers as soon as possible. But since he found out Isle joined the dating sites, he’s always using this as a tool that ruined his trust on her and that he thought Isle was looking for somebody’s better than him. It should not be a valid reason though, because Isle kept telling him many times ever since why she joined dating sites: because she’s fighting for her feelings towards him and it hurts her to know that she’s committing adultery. Joining dating sites is her way to “escape” from pains. Santa Claus must know how Isle loves her so much for all that she’s doing for him.

Finally, on the first week of January 2008, Isle gave him a due date for filing the divorce papers. To show that he also loves Isle so much, he said he will. Only couple of weeks left before the due date, when he was asked by his dad to help him fix the house in California. Isle did not stop him since he said it won’t take long to file. He was sure that he can do that before the due date. Only a week left when he returned to his house in Guam, but his wife was there from her home in Palau. She told Santa that their 5 year old baby girl said that she doesn’t have father anymore, which according to Santa, touched his heart. This baby she’s pertaining to is their adopted child which is already transferred under their name. Santa and his wife actually do not have any natural born child.

Isle thought that he’s still in Guam and will start the papers soon. She never knew what’s happening till Santa is already in Palau informing her that he’s there and for what the woman told him. It hurts Isle so much because he left with the woman to Palau without informing her. He can go to Palau and talk to the kid after filing the divorce papers as what he said it’s not difficult to file it, but then, he went to Palau and never thought of the due date anymore.

Again, more pains for Isle. She wanted to give up, but the man asked for an extension of filing the papers. He kept making Isle feel better by calling her most of the time and making sure that she’s all right with her surroundings. So again, she gave him one more chance to file the papers since she loves him so much and she thought that she didn’t want to waste the times that they spent together. She will wait a little more…

Santa Claus said he was fooled by his wife. The girl didn’t really say the words that the woman told him. So, Santa said he’s going back to Guam alone after few weeks of staying in Palau.

Finally, Santa Claus was able to file the papers before the due date expires at the end of February. But since 2007, a problem occurs which in 2008, is still a big issue. He said his wife will take almost all of his assets that he put up for being an aircraft captain for long years. He wanted to fight for it, but he said he can give up those for Isle. Due to Isle’s jealousy, she thought that Santa is giving everything to the woman because he still loves her as what Santa told her that he still cares and loves the woman most especially their adopted child. So Isle told him to just fight then which will take the divorce long to finalized, but she also said that if ever Santa fought, yet he lost, that would make her feel better, but if he will just give up freely without fighting, that will not make her feel good at all.

Isle thought that he’s still in Guam and just waiting for his flight to come to the Philippines as he promised Isle and that that he will stay with Isle forever when he arrived. But Isle was surprised that Santa arrived at her place one day without carrying any clothes with him, without informing her that he will arrive. He found Isle in her small messy room laying down in bed and crying. She’s been doing this most of the day. But just to see her man beside her made her felt so good. Until Santa said that he’s been in Manila for few days already with his wife—staying in one hotel. How could Santa once again breaks Isle’s heart for lieing to her again making her believed that there’s no available flight yet to the Philippines. She didn’t know that he’s already in PI together with his wife---trying to mend things for the woman to avoid killing herself. Isle’s world once again turned upside down. She couldn’t stop her tears anymore from falling. That was so hurt for her that she can’t almost breathe anymore. She got up and looked for a blade to cut her wrist and she found one. Santa then strongly pulled her arm and took the blade away from Isle.

Santa made her calm by telling her that he’s still going to have divorce and he’s just making the woman realize that he’s not happy anymore with her and since she made him believed that she really wanted a divorce. Though hurt and confused, she kept herself calm eventually. Santa explained everything about the suicidal attempts of his wife which Isle didn’t know the whole story before. But Isle once again have learned that Santa lied for saying that he brought the woman to the hospital one time I called him on his phone and it was as if he’s hiding. He’s just hiding for the woman to avoid hurting herself again, but he didn’t really bring her to the hospital. Again, he told Isle that he’s going to send his wife back to Palau to avoid protect his wife from killing herself. Because of Isle’s mercy about the situation that Santa’s facing, she understood and willingly allowed him to escort his wife to Palau.

Since September 2007 until April 2008, Santa visited only few times, and it was just for less than 24 hours. It is a torture for Isle to be very far from her beloved man who also serves as the source of her strength and best friend. Every night and day Isle cries and keeps hating herself. She can’t work anymore. She’s almost getting crazy thinking of the situation she’s into.

In order for her to escape from the situation, she had a vacation in her mom’s province and stayed there for 2 weeks. From there, Isle received a text message from her sister saying that Santa got heart attack while he’s in Palau with his family. Isle wanted to forget Santa already because she feels like Santa doesn’t really want to get a divorce since he still loves and still cares for his wife. She avoided to reply Santa’s messages and avoided his calls. But because Isle loves and still cares for Santa a lot, she communicated with Santa when she found out that he got a heart attack in Palau. Her love towards this man never died at all, instead, it flamed. On one of their conversations, Santa mentioned that his wife has been very kind to him and she never wanted to show things that will stress him out, and that she cooks good foods for his health. Isle thought that Santa and his wife really care for each other. Though in pain, Isle told herself, that’s fine, at least somebody’s taking care of the man he loves.

PART 3
Completely Alive But Dieing Inside

April 2008, Santa decided to go to the Philippines for his heart surgery. He told Isle that he didn’t want his wife to accompany him anymore, but since his wife still cares, she wanted Santa to arrive safely in the hospital and then leave after sending him to the Philippines. Santa also said that he’s bringing all of his stuff in order to start a life with Isle since his wife already feel a little better by seeing him always crying of missing her girl in the Philippines.

Isle already went back to her place, but still in pain. And when she knew that Santa already arrived in the Philippines, she’s very happy because it’s been a long time that she hasn’t hold her man.. Though she knows that Santa’s wife is with him, she was eager to see Santa. She went to the location of the hospital. She texted Santa to meet her there. She was crying while waiting for the man because she knows that everything is unclear yet between them after how many years. She can’t control her feelings anymore and cannot stop her tears from falling while waiting for him. She kept walking till she arrived in a parking area of the hospital and went to the 4th level which is the highest level of the parking area. She was there waiting for more or less half an hour. She thought he’s having a conversation again with his wife that’s why he’s taking so long.

Isle is still in great pain. She kept sending text messages to Santa but he’s not replying at all. As she’s standing on the roof top of the parking area, she’s feeling the wind blowing her long hair that covers her face. It was afternoon---supposedly hot weather, but the wind was cold whenever it touches her skin. She closed her eyes and felt the wind and it’s taunting her as if inviting her to join it. Then she opened her eyes with tears flowing. She looked down. There were two guards looking at her from below as if they know what’s she’s thinking to do. She’s counting the time and she’s ready to fly together with the wind. While counting, she took her small scissors from her purse and began to scratch her wrist. Her patient of waiting is running out. For her, time is almost done. She’s ready to fly. When somebody from her back arrived. It was Santa…

Isle was surprised because he didn’t reply to her messages; however, she’s so happy to see her love once again. They looked at each other first, and never said a word, till they got closer and finally embraced one another very tight. As he hugs him, she felt that she’s gaining her strength back. She felt like she’s a low battery being charged. It was an awesome feeling. Then Santa invited her to come over to the apartment where he and his wife were staying while they’re in the Philippines so that the 3 of them can lay down their cards on the table. Though she’s confused, she went with him. When they arrived at the place, the woman wasn’t there. Isle got worried also about Santa’s wife. She told Santa to find her. Santa went out for a while to look if she’s around, but he came back without her. They were talking while waiting for her until it’s almost dark, but she didn’t come back. Until Isle decided to just leave because it’s getting dark. Once again, she told Santa to find his wife because it’s kind of dangerous in the Philippines most especially for the foreigners. Whether Santa said the truth or not that he wasn’t able to see his wife when he looked for her, Isle doesn’t know. Many times, Santa told her so many lies.

Finally, the day of his surgery has arrived. Since evening, Isle has been crying and praying for Santa’s successful surgery. Isle woke up early. It was 9 a.m. when she’s working when she suddenly stopped and thought of Santa again. She went to the comfort room and cried for more or less 20 minutes. She didn’t want anyone see her crying because she’s known as the bravest in the family aside from her dad. After crying in the comfort room, she ran upstairs to her room where they used to stay together and looked at Santa’s picture while her tears were overflowing from her eyes. She’s been week because her love as her strength is being far from her for long time and she knew that she could only gain her strength back when with him. She’s mad at Santa because he hasn’t fixed the divorce papers yet---thinking that he’s still fooling around and doesn’t really love her. But Isle loves him so very much… So much, more than loving her own life… He’s her strength. He’s her happiness. He’s her world. He’s her life…

Isle, herself, doesn’t understand what’s happening to her. Her feet brought her to the hospital. She arrived there at 1 p.m. As she’s walking towards the Operating Room, her heart beats faster because she doesn’t know if she will see the wife of Santa for the first time. Luckily, the woman is gone because she went to their apartment provided by their health insurance. When Isle pressed the doorbell, a nurse opened it, and with Isle’s surprised, she was asked, “Are you Isle?” She’s surprised why they know her name. Though confused, her mind is focused on seeing her man. When the door was opened, she saw her love with tube inserted in his mouth, with lots of hoses on his body, dextrose and big injection injected and taped on his arm. Isle was so nervous and trembling that she wasn’t able to control her tears from falling. There were many staff and nurses inside, assisting him. Nobody’s allowed to come inside because it is sterile, so Isle was just standing from the opened door of the OR. Santa was waken up by one nurse telling him that Isle is outside---crying. He saw Isle and he was able to waived his hand with dextrose and smiled at her. He was very happy to see her. Isle saw the hand towel she gave him with embroidery of “Luv you Santa – Isle”. He always keep Isle’s towel with him and put it close to his heart. Santa tried to lift his hand just to show Isle the 1-4-3 sign using his fingers which means, I Love You. He wanted to blow her a kiss—tried to move his hand close to his lips, but he changed the facial expression of his face and waived his hand which means he cannot do it anymore. The doctor saw him, so, doctor helped him lift his hand and draw it close to his lips so he can give Isle a flying kiss.

Nurses started to take Santa to the Coronary Recovery Room at 2:00 p.m. Isle and Santa we’re holding hands while he’s laying down on the stretcher while he’s being taken to the CRR. He put his towel on his forehead which Isle gave him with the word “Luv You Santa” in front, so people can read it. It is prohibited for Isle to stay long in CRR that’s why they only talked a little. Isle told him that her family is worried about him and that her father wanted to see him. So Santa said it’s okay to visit him in the morning together with her dad. Isle didn’t waste their time together. She told him how much she loves him. She feels better being with her source of strength. But there are words that Isle cannot forget which hurt her---when Santa said that if ever somebody asked if who she is to him, she should tell them that he’s her uncle. Though again confused and hurt, she just let him rest and she went home at 3 p.m.

Morning came, she received a text message using Santa’s mobile number. It was the woman he’s divorcing. She said on the text, “ This is the wife. No visiting hour at 3 p.m., only 6 p.m.. Don’t come to the hospital at all until my husband gets better”.

Isle thought she got her strength back already, but she’s once again drained. It hurts her. That woman is now claiming Santa as her husband while she has been ignoring him for more or less 9 years. Though Isle’s hurt, she didn’t fight with the woman. She didn’t say bad words. Isle replied back to the woman saying that Santa wants to see mom and dad. But the woman replies, “For now, only family members are allowed and “YOU ARE ALL NOT.” With her painful heart, she replied the woman that she understands that she’s with Santa because of signing the insurance, that Santa was the one who paid that insurance which was put under her name, and that she’s thankful for helping Santa on that. Isle also texted the woman that if she wants to take more than half of the property of Santa as what she told Santa, then she can take all that she wants, because Isle said that she just wants to be happy and that she has the right to visit Santa since she is his fiancée and that the divorce papers have been filed and she actually has a copy of it that she can bring in the hospital as proofs that will show that he is Santa’s fiancée. Isle brought her engagement ring with her, the copy of the filed divorce papers and their pictures together so in case that anyone will prohibits her from entering Santa’s room, she has something to show.

Isle was supposed to be at the hospital earlier, but because of texting with the woman, it made her felt so down. She’s already so weak, warm and ill when she’s on her way to the hospital where she will meet her father to visit Santa. When they arrived outside the CRR, they saw that there’s a woman inside. That’s Santa’s wife, she thinks. She asked the nurse if they can enter, but only 2 people are allowed inside. If the woman is still there, Isle and her father can’t come in. So, they we’re told to just go out for a while and just wait at the waiting room further from CRR. Before Isle went out, she looked inside the CRR outside the window. His bed is just 3 steps away from the window. She showed herself to Santa and waived at him, and she knew that Santa saw him, but it was as if Santa doesn’t know she’s there. She then went out together with her dad outside. Since the nurse said that they can go back after 30 minutes because the woman just started to feed him while we arrived, we went back again to the room. The woman was not yet done feeding him, so we went out again. Isle got hurt. She’s supposed to be the one who’s taking care of him like she always used to do when they’re together. She remembers the first time that Santa had knee surgery. It was just Isle who was there to take care of him. She never left outside the recovery room until Santa brought to the recovery room. She’s the one who’s holding Santa’s hands when he’s scared of nurses’ needles and blood. After 30 minutes, Isle checked them again but still, not yet done.

That situation hurts her a lot. She thought it was so sweet what happened in the OR for what Santa showed her which was seen by many staff and doctor the day before she went back to the hospital. But she questioned herself, why it was as if he didn’t know her at all when she showed herself from the window glass and waived at him while his wife was there. If he’s really fighting for their love, why he acted that way? And why he told her to tell the people that if ever somebody will ask if who she is in his life, she should say that he’s her uncle.

Visiting hours are only from 4 to 6 p.m. Isle went back and fort to check if they’re done yet, but still, not. So, Isle talked to the nurse and told her, that they’re running out of time for visitation. That’s foolishness already. So, the nurse talked to the woman inside and then Isle and her father went out. After few minutes, the woman went out and passed by to the waiting area and said that Isle can now go inside the room.

When they went inside the room, she didn’t approach Santa yet. She let her dad and Santa to talk first. Then her dad called her to approach Santa and then he left them. Isle wanted to ask lots of questions to Santa, but she just kept it inside her. Though she tried to keep it, her eyes cannot because her tears started to fall on Santa’s chest. She never said anything though but kissed and hugged Santa while her tears were falling. Santa said that he still needs to recover and he doesn’t want any stress.

It was already dark outside when Isle and her father left the hospital. Isle was so weak---not charged this time. Inside the vehicle, her tears kept falling which she tried to hide from her father and other people. She feels so heavy inside that she wanted to shout out loud, but she can’t. During that long travel, she was just looking outside the window of the bus—thinking of everything while crying… She’s thinking of the love she put towards this old man… She keeps fighting --- but now afraid that the love she’s fighting for will turn to nothing… That everything was just a lie. That the filed divorce papers were just to show off so he can stay with her longer for longer play. She’s so weak that she wants to forget. She just wants to vanish. To not feel the pain anymore…

She arrived at her room devastated. She’s completely alive but dieing inside. No hope. No strength. Since then, she started to imprison herself in her room---the room where they used to sleep together. She locked herself so no one can enter. All she wanted is to die. Everything with her is gone. Most especially her strength. How could you be strong if the source of your strength is the one making you weak? Isle kept searching for a little ray of light or any positive answer to what’s happening, but she just can’t find it. She can’t fight anymore. The occurrence in the hospital was enough for her to lose hope. It made her felt like a husband and wife helping one another against a girl whom she insists a fiancé to a woman’s husband. No. She thinks she will not win on that game. She should quit now which she supposed to do earlier. It was like a bad dream that she wants to wake up, but she cannot wake up anymore. She can’t…

Isle never went back to the hospital anymore because she knows she will only get hurt. Santa actually said that he will text Isle when he’s already at the recovery room because he wants to be with her, but he didn’t do. Though Isle wasn’t in the hospital, she’s always checking Santa’s schedule by calling the hospital. So she knew when he was moved to the Recovery Room and she’s just waiting for him to text her, but none. Isle always calls his phone but she doesn’t answer to know if Santa already has his phone with him. Then she texted him asking, “What do you plan for me”? He didn’t reply though Isle knows he’s reading her message for him, so she called him and asked him another question: “What are you going to do in order to fix my ruined life…?” He answered on the phone, “I don’t know.” With this answer, Isle hanged up the phone and began to cry again as what she’s doing since she left the hospital. Once again, Isle texted him using her sister’s mobile pretended that it was her sister texting him asking, “Are you still going to continue the divorce and marry sister on her birthday as what you promised her..? He replied, “It depends.”

Those answers made Isle so very weak. Too much anxiety and depression brought her to the hospital already when she was having difficulty to breathe and her body got numb. Finally, Isle got the strength to stand up. Cheered herself up. She wanted to fight. She searched on the net about women’s protection program in the Philippines, until she arrived in the Malanang Palace of the Philippines. She was assisted and given some advises by the government official. She was told that if she wants, they can file a case against Santa for promising the marriage, most especially by giving her psychological problem due to the situation. Isle thought of this many times. She was told that they should file the case soon while the man is in the Philippines. But Isle’s love is still there. She got worried about the situation of Santa because he just had heart surgery and it’s just a week that he was moved to the recovery room. She told the authorities that she will think of it first. When she left the women’s protection office, she felt that her feelings got lighter even a little.

As she’s traveling far from that office, she texted Santa pretended that she’s already fine asking if when do they plan to leave. Santa was smart to think that Isle was doing something against him since Isle texted him that she’s going to Manila while she doesn’t feel good yet. So he again told her lies. He said the wrong date to Isle. Since Santa can already go out of the hospital to their apartment, Isle asked him to come see her because she wanted to give him some of his favorite mangoes, he said he will in the morning, but he didn’t, instead, he and his wife left the country.

Isle feels like she’s already decomposing. Though she wanted to fight, she can’t anymore. She got strength no more. Pains were too much to handle. Once again, Isle locked up herself in her room. This room doesn’t have any window. It’s made of full hard cement, that’s why it looks like a prison. She never eats again nor drinks water. She doesn’t speak again and became aloof from people. Once in a while, when her companion in the house were sleeping, she will sneak down to her shop where there’s internet to check if Santa send something, but he didn’t. There were also times that she’s will just sits in front of the computer for the whole day and kept refreshing her emails hoping that Santa will send her something… But none. Isle’s totally hopeless. She never stopped crying anymore.

One day, she was left alone in the shop, she hanged herself using a computer wire. But it’s not yet her time to die. She’s lucky because her mom arrived and saw her hanging---still breathing. She was salvaged by her mom but she’s already turning into color violet and she got a black mark of the wire on her neck. She’s always trying to kill herself when she’s alone. She will get something to tie herself like what she did again when she’s inside the bathroom. But her brother and sister were always watching out. Whenever they know that she’s taking longer inside the bathroom, they know that something wrong is going on, so they kick the door in order to open it. She also tried to slash her wrist which left a mark on her left wrist, but she still survived. Her family doesn’t know what to do anymore. She’s bumping her head on the cement and whenever she touched something heavy, she hit her head with it.

Her family got so worried of her. The whole family was alarmed for what’s happening to her. Her mom tried to support her, talk to her, but she never response. She’s like a living dead already with her eyes open staring to nowhere. She’s completely alive but dieing inside. She never eats anymore nor drinks. She doesn’t speak either. There’s no expression on her face at all---only her flowing tears speak of what she feels inside. She’s totally ruined for trusting the man her whole life. For loving him more than loving herself. She’s totally devastated. Because of her older brother worried of her, he’s always filing a leave from work to stay with her, which made him almost lost his job because he got warned by their company. Her dad cannot go to work anymore because he’s always guarding their house and store since her mom is going to her place to check her out and prepare foods for her which she doesn’t eat.

Her father wanted to take her to their place thinking that she will improve her condition. She didn’t wanna go. She’s stubborn. Her father tried to carry her because it seems that she doesn’t know already if what she’s doing. They were thinking that Isle is probably getting insane already. Her dad forced to carry her, and scolded her when she refused, but she bumped her head again on the cement and throw everything she touched. When she was able to hold an insect spray, she sprayed it in her mouth, but her family in front of her was able to take it away from her, but Isle already swallowed some. Her dad finally got her into a taxi they rented. They were so worried that her mom left her mobile phone in the car and never recovered. Taking her to her parent’s place, just made things worse because isle blamed her dad for liking that Caucasian more than her Filipino suitor. She was as if getting crazy shouting and throwing things at her parent’s house. Neighborhood came to see what’s happening and they all pity this devastated creature. Leny, one of her neighborhoods, got pity on her. She also has a story about foreigner that’s why she understands Isle’s situation. She talked to Isle and asked her if what she wants. Isle surely knows that nobody and nothing can heal her wound but the one who hurt her. So Isle said that she wants Santa to come over and talk to her. So, they went back to the shop and called Santa, but Santa wasn’t answering the calls. Until after few tries, he answered it but told Leny that he will call back after 20 minutes. Leny, Isle and her mom waited for almost an hour, but he never called back, and Leny needed to go back home because she has a family. So she left. Santa wasn’t able to answer the calls because he’s hiding from his wife. He’s not allowed to use phone and net.

Isle was still hoping for a little ray of light. She emailed Santa and reminded him of her that she’s Isle, the girl who loves him so very much more than her own life, and that she’s the one whom he considered as his best friend. She reminded him the sweet things she did for him like whenever she stands at the higher part of the stairs in one corner of her shop just to wrap her arms around Santa and kiss him because he’s a lot taller than her. She reminded him of everything they shared together like how they worked together in order to remove the flood from their place; how he cried when Isle left the country for Thailand, and everything that will remind him of her for the hopes that he’s just having amnesia due to his surgery. She eventually had the strength then to tell him that he will regret it for what he did to her and that he doesn’t know what he’s letting go.

Isle is so hurt that she wanted to go to the forest and consult witchcraft in order to curse Santa Claus as well as everyone he loves. She’s just hurt… She’s the victim… She only loves… But got hurt…

To be continued...

Mystery In The Light

Looking up at the sunlit skies,
angels danced, a twirling saga, before my eyes.
I closed my mind and strived to think.
No thought was formed, no mental link.
What where these visions that I did see,
and why had the shown themselves to me?
The struggle to imagine from where they came,
proved pointless, like standing drenched in the pouring rain.
Slowly the vision faded from sight,
sinking into the cloudless light.
The soaring spectacle had escaped my grip,
and from my mind the memory would slip.
A mystery they will always be,
to me for all eternity.